Yo guys. I finally built up enough inner strenght to write another post. Seems old habits die hard and pushing myself to write proves to be a constant challenge. I guess me fighting my everything-block will be the main subject here. That's mainly why I put "learning" as a tag - I like the process of writing as a way to form, process, structure and analyse my thoughts which are basically a fucked up spaghetti dish inside my brain most of the time. But, the title may be a bit striking so let me explain what was going inside my head lately.

I'm working mostly weekends in a coffee shop - a job that I like and which gives me not only a wage which I'm satisfied with, but also a chance to use, practice and advance in french which I practically started learning 1,5 years ago after moving to France to join my girlfriend here. Seems super chaotic I guess and it was and still is, but call it my version of taking a big step outside my comfort zone. Still, most of my daily worries and doubts stem from this exact fact - that I'm living abroad and everything is kinda new to me. I was looking for a job for a long time - after finally finding it and thus making my situation pretty stable, my brain started to worry again. This time it's a type of worries which I know way too well - the ones which make me question my stable situation to look for cracks in it and to make me run away from this discomfort by returning to situations I know. I experiences a very extreme type of this feeling back during my studies, while I was studying in a different city from where I come from. It made me truly miserable and I ended up going back to living with my parents and transferring to the university close by. I recognise these emotions immediately - stinging nostalgia to past memories, visions of places I spent my childhood and teens at, reminiscing those few moments with past friends that made it to the "core memory" catalog. Even now when I'm writing about this, it stings with this bittersweet hit of thoughts "what if you could go there one more time?". As I still fail to establish my daily routine and adapt to all the projects suddenly emerged recently, as I juggle the time during the week to work, accomplish something new, work on all the little design opportunities that I find, and also find time to learn new stuff and chill a bit, I can't shake off the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. That's why I feel like I'm on this downward spiral lately, even though everything about my life is constantly getting better.

I also came up with some strategies to combat this. First of all I desperately need some sport in my life - I was an avid cyclist during my studies and I still haven't set up my bike here. I used to run a lot too, especially just before coming here. I don't know why doing all this became so hard since I'm living here. I guess I need to force myself to do something. The tricky part is, I need to do this more than once. I can't build the momentum on just one time effort. And I have no idea how to build habits. As you can see there is a lot of stuff which I feel I should be able to do and know by now. But I can't. That's why I need to constantly learn and figure myself out. If only I could have the peace of mind I need to do so.

I'm surely gonna come up with more thematic posts. But for now, I want to focus on just writing, and building a habit of doing so and not thinking too much why I do it. I think this is how humans truly operate - doing something without doubting, without analysing if it's going to increase some value or be productive. I think the true humanity is doing stuff for the sake of doing them, creating art just because they can, doing some random shit because it's what it means to be human. I love this type of approach to culture - seeing it as a collection of results created by people just letting their minds use their bodies to express those completely unserious impulses to draw a cow, to write whatever they think about, to get some clay and form a weird creature. It's truly amazing.